This is a post I have both dreaded and anxiously looked forward to writing. I have been composing it in my head for months but have known I had to be in just the right mood to put on the electric canvas. Maybe I’ve reached that point in my recovery from Multiple Myeloma? Maybe i’m ready to put the missing part of my consciousness to rest for good? Melinda thinks I might need help to completely do so and she may very well be correct, as usual.
When I checked into UT Southwestern Hospital in Dallas on 1-9-17 with failing kidneys and an inpending cancer diagnosis, I felt fine physically and emotionally. I had never been diagnosed with any “problems” or social disorder whatsoever. Many friends had likely doubted that for years, but that’s another story.
All that changed from roughly 1-23 to 1-28 of this year. The dates are not exact because it could have been a little before or after as well. Regardless, it’s a time period that I spent in a daze of hallucinations, nightmares and confusion. I’m not really sure what to call it except that my family was fearful for me and maybe a bit of me. At one point they felt, advised by doctors, that I was slipping into a Coma. It was easily the medical lowpoint of my life. And I don’t really remember it.
I have identified anywhere from 12 to 15 “episodes” that lasted anywhere from days to hours. Melinda says that I spent one entire day on my hospital bed repeating the word ‘shit’. I don’t know why and have no memory of it. I also spent time in the studio audience of the ABC show The Chew, a program I had watched a few times perhaps. But I was there as clear as day.
There has never been a firm reason given for these events but my doctors felt that as my kidneys deteriorated my electrolytes became unbalanced and may have triggered these events. I have talked to people in a couple of my support groups who themselves went thru this and I have read about others that have as well. So, it’s not like I was the only one and that helped me feel better about it.
The thing to understand is that the world was normal, and EXTREMELY realistic for me during all this. I just did see me in a hospital room is all. One time I spent an entire day watching the set of WFAAm news. I watched the comings and goings with great clarity and kept asking a “person” next to me when Melinda was coming by with lunch?
That “person” is very key because I later found out my family had requested a person be with me 24/7 for fears I would harm myself. They also asked that my hands be bound. It’s why in almost all of my events I contain almost my “sitter” and my hands were bound.
One great example of this is I had an event wher I had to as begging to see Melinda but I was told it’s the middle of the night by my sitter and the same by my male nurse. He was adamant about it to the point where I wanted to get up and kick his ass. Except my hands were tied, literally. This event took place in a room I had never seen and included an entire wall of TVs showing reruns of the same Steve Harvey Show.
Another time I was in what looked like like a warehouse or storage building and once again begging to see Melinda but my nurse (a different one with who I had been very friendly with prior to these events) vehemently said that is not possible. Then another person which was my sitter put a gun to my head and told me to sit down. I discussed this event with a hospital psychologist much later and to me it was very real but he didn’t buy it.
I was also driven to and held hostage at a ranch and forced to have an MRI by a nurse and another person. The sitter of course. I was scared because because it was an old and dirty MRI machine. I was screaming not to go inside the MRI machine but with my hands bound what could do?
One time I was being held, against my wishes underneath a bridge at Harry Hines and Inwood. I was in a hospital room because I saw an IV machine and so forth. It was so real that when a rain storm came by could smell it so vividly and clean. There was a person in the room with me (sitter). Once again I asked to have Melinda call me right now! This sitter said nothing at all which ticked me off more! Soon my nurse appeared. The same one I had when my the sitter held a gun to my head. She told me I was changing rooms, which I was cool with.
At that point I started seeing snakes move across the ceiling. I even identified them as King Snakes to the nurse who said she could not see them. Then, the room started rapidly changing into a real hospital room around me. A new sitter appeared, an older lady this time. I asked her why is the room changing so quickly and she said nothing.
A few minutes later the room makerover was done and it had a sign that said ‘The Cecil Savage Memorial Room” . I kid you not. Then a few doctors showed and I said thanked them for the private room in my name and they just looked at each other and moved on.
Finally I’ll tell you about the oddest hallucinating event of them all. It took place I think the same day I ended up with the new room.
I would look out the window and see what I thought were a large flock of birds. As they got close they became what looked like airplanes that finally appeared as a big, jumbled ball of airplanes of all sorts that were right outside my window, so close I could make out passengers and polite waving at me. Then they would fly away and a new batch would show and do the same thing.